How I got here

My mother’s silent tears are now a soft sob pulling from the deepest part of her belly tugging at the umbilical cord. Her pain floods my veins like a poison killing the last bit of joy in my reservoir ... Sadness rush over me as I roll around in my cocoon and position myself to place my feet at the top of her belly. The exact spot she was caressing a little earlier before my father left.

Kick

My mother gently placed a palm over her stomach where my foot was still poking around trying to feel steady. For a second I thought she was smiling but the tears kept coming. I kicked again reminding her that I was still alive and she had nothing to worry. No matter how hard I kicked the tears didn’t stop. She was now fully sobbing one hand on her belly the other over her mouth as if she is trying to stop herself from being too loud.

I went still, afraid that any of my reaction will make her cry even more. 

Eventually she stopped.

The room that was only lit by a white candle that has not more than 5 more minutes of was left. She sat on the edge of the small bed, her feet still on the ground, staring at the wall, praying to a god, any god that my father comes home soon.

— silence. 

She was asleep.

Outside, the moon was brighter than usual, shedding light on the little shack and everything else that surrounds it.

That night I had what I thought was my first dream. I was floating in something soft, calm even moving toward a light that part of me knew too well. From a distance, dogs were violently barking, hollering at the moon filling my heart with anxiety, warning me that whatever was waiting for me outside of my mother’s womb was not safe. Yet I could not stop myself from wanting to see what it was outside that was making my mother so sad. I needed to be on the other side thought I was overcome with this strange feeling that I might not be welcome. before the sound of the crickets coming in to witness the night.  Every now in then when the dogs stop barking which wasn’t always for long, could hear the laughter in the backyard. 

Over that laughghter. In the distance a man was speaking. Loud enough for me to hear his voice but only so lound that I could barely make it out any word. 

Every word came through my ears with webbs and webbs of disgust that I try to block out. But there was nowhere to go because above all that noise my mother was screaming in pain. 

Leg up, palm of her feet planted on the ground, it was not her first time giving birth. She presses her back again the mat that was now completely drench and push. 

“Mother!!!” She cries. Tears pouring down her eyes blinding her  from the rest of the room that was only lit by a single candle. 

“Mother” she cries again as I slide down a puddle of slime spread onto a harsh surface that also itch. I felt my mother’s tears of pain die and her heart drop as she inspect me to be a girl. 

She looks at me her eyes full disappointment, and guilt for being disappointed that once again the Gods did not bless her with a son. 

She reaches out a hand and grabs me gently. She ispects my smooth bald head, round to perfection and rest her palm and presses me on her chest. It tasted like her sweat, her tears and now my blood. I wince at the taste of metal in my mouth. 

Outside My Grand father’s voice was coming more and more into focus. 

“When I wanted to have children,” She says his voice measure, sharp and intentional “I bought lands” He says slowly “I built a house” The girls and the kids laugh. My mom’s heart stings. 

“Now days, this generation of man” He sneered and pull out a blood of spit deep down is throat. 

Splat! 

“You’re telling me you’re not embarrassed!” He spat again and the women laugh

“You’re not embarrassed. You can’t even afford a cup of milk”

The tears were hot. I was still on my mom’s chest, my face on her neck, her sweat and our blood fully drieds but the tears kept flowing. 

“Mwen menm sim ta gen pitit fim” He says “And she brought this to me and say ‘oh father this is who I am bringing home with me.’ I would Kill both her and that man” He pulls full mouth of spit from his chest and spat on the dirt next to his daughter who was now unable laugh trying to hide that she too was pregnant out of wedlock and hope that everyone is still focus on my father by the time she gets found out. 

My father was still not back with the midwife and I was starting to run out air. “

Make it stop.” I tried to scream but no one could hear me.  I feel air leaving my chest as I started to heave. My mother panics and rushes me down her chest and try to push her nipple into my mouth but that was blocking my air even more. I drop my head trying to open up my air wave but blood swell down my head in a rush. 

My umbilical cord was already cut but somehow I still felt physically attached to my mother who was now start to feel the chill of the night. Tears still in her eyes as she pull my head back. “ There there” She says her voice cracking and I felt her heart break. She force my lips onto her nipple that was just too cold for my lips. But I was hungry

“There there” I say back to her hoping she could feel me comforting her as bitter milk starts to fill my mouth. I push the nipples back out in disgust and spit out the venim that threatens to fill my body.  

Cry. 

“Please take it” she pleads Tears dwon her face to me.

I cry asking for something else as she tries her hardest to get me interested in her nipple again. She turned around and tried the other breast. 

Still bitter. 

Then it dawned on. 

There is no other food.